The holidays are always a time for nostalgia.  We remember how we celebrated with extended family and friends, traveling to family or staying home and opening our doors to loved ones or neighbors or acquaintances who had nowhere else to go.  Some of us have memories that aren’t so good – hiding from parents who used holidays as another excuse to over-indulge or sitting lonely as the holiday was forgotten completely.

Over the past 20 plus years of being a therapist in Marin County, I’ve seen all sorts of expectations and reactions to the holiday season.  This year I’m thinking a lot about how the season plays out for the adolescents in our lives.  Are they happy and excited to see their cousins and extended family?  Does it mean a huge game of football in the park before dinner or does it mean wandering around aimlessly, bored,  while the adults talk amongst themselves?

As our kids age they start to have more ideas about what works and doesn’t work for them.  While teens don’t often have the luxury of making the final decision about how a holiday is spent, the conversation about what they love or hate or what they’d like to change is an interesting one if parents are open to it.  Perhaps they would prefer to have a smaller version of the celebration  or stay home rather than travel.  Maybe they have concerns about friends at school whom they would like to include in the  plans.  Maybe they’d prefer to spend the day serving the homeless rather than focusing on their own dinner.  Teens sometimes have brilliant ideas but parents often overlook asking about them.

Eventually, things shift for all of us as our children age and spending every holiday together won’t be a guarantee.  But if we change our traditions to incorporate more of our children’s wishes as they are old enough to express them, we allow them to take some ownership and responsibility for the family as a community.  Hearing our children’s feedback and implementing some of their ideas can deepen the meaning of the holiday  for all family members.

Whatever the circumstances of your holidays are, I hope you find joy and fulfillment in them.  And if you don’t, I hope you’ll be able to figure out why and see what you can do to come closer to that target for your next holiday – whether that is next month of next year.  Should you find that you or your loved ones need help figuring themselves out or articulating their needs or really hearing their loved ones’ perspective, give me a call and let’s set up a time to do a little work together.

Best wishes for you and yours.