The other day I was asked to be interviewed for an article on keeping the couple connected after having kids.  (I hope to post a link to this article but may not be allowed to as it was for a closed subscription publication).  I had a day to mull over that question and realized that keeping the flame alive when the babies come is just about the same as keeping it alive as the birds fledge.  It’s just a bit more challenging to do so as couples adjust to the demands of new parenthood.  We get so caught up in the care of our babies, it’s easy to drift away from our spouse.

When I work with couples I want to fan the flames of connection between them.  But I also want to take a look at what behaviors each partner engages in to douse those flames.  We need to look at both sides of the same coin – more of one behavior means less of its opposite.  And, let’s face it, kids are a great distraction.  So the first order of business is to take some space apart from the kids to focus on nurturing the connection with your partner and to take an honest look at what is creating distance.  If you can’t afford a sitter, I recommend trading off date night with another young couple who has kids.

Another question I have for my clients is what makes them feel loved and loving?  In over 20 years of practice, I’ve never had two people in a couple say that they need the same thing in order to feel loved.  One person may need help keeping on top of everything and another person may need little gifts every once in a while, or acknowledgement of their efforts to look good.  There are many ways people can show love and feel loved.  But rarely do we stop and really consider that.  Meanwhile, couples get stuck in cycles where each partner expresses love in their own “language”, which isn’t necessarily a language their spouse speaks!

All of us need to feel appreciated and often clients come in feeling unseen by their partner.  Instead they feel inundated with criticism for what they aren’t or don’t do.   In this trap, the criticized partner or partners can do no right.  This pattern is sure to create conflict or disconnection in any relationship – whether it’s with a partner, parent, child, or friend.  But we naturally expect our partners to have our backs and this dynamic can feel like a betrayal in a marriage or committed partnership. I work with couples to help get in touch with their gratitude and appreciation for each other and to express it in ways that their spouse can hear it.

We all get so caught up in raising babies, parenting becomes the couples “project”.  While it’s wonderful to be a parent, it’s still important for couples to figure out what they can do to have fun together – without the kids!

This is just a small sample of what I consider when working with couples – whether or not they are new parents!  If I can help you increase the connection between you and your partner, please contact me for an appointment.  I’d be happy to help!