Last week I was facilitating a parenting discussion group and the subject of adolescent anger and acting out arose.  We started exploring what kids in our community would have to feel angry about and, more importantly, what would lead them to self-destructive behaviors.  Of course, we adults know all about what there is to feel angry about and the bumper sticker “If You’re Not Angry, You’re Not Paying Attention!” comes to mind immediately – especially in the past few weeks.  But this discussion happened before all the anti-police riots broke out but well after a ten year old girl in our community chose to end her life.  So the parents had good reason to wonder.

So many things change in adolescence – socially, academically, developmentally, and culturally.  It’s hard to keep up.  But as I spoke to parents about all these changes, the losses incurred in the process of this stage really hit home for me.  This is the age when our children realize their parents aren’t perfect and the base of the pedestal we’ve been on is definitely hard and unforgiving.  As we fall from grace as parents, our kids realize that the world really isn’t all rosy and safe.  There are dangers out there and gray areas that are  hard to tolerate and not everything gets resolved into a nice, neat package.  Life is messy.  And we parents have betrayed them by (appropriately!!) shielding them from these realities.

This is also the age when our kids are introduced to gut-wrenching reality in their academics.  Kids start to learn about Anne Frank and some are shocked by her sudden and tragic end.  For many kids, this is the first time they are introduced to the idea that someone their age can be persecuted, victimized, and die!  This is also the age when teachers assign staying abreast of current events and, let’s face it, much of the news is alarming!

While I’m not saying that the news is all bad or that all perplexing and concerning teen behaviors are directly related to this new awareness, I do propose that the adults in the teens’ lives stay sensitive to this part of the transition into adulthood.  It’s difficult.  And kids at this age don’t necessarily have the skills to self-soothe.  I recall a very wise teacher once telling me that once something is known, it can’t be unknown.  This kind of knowledge can leave any adult twisting in the wind but teens can be completely overwhelmed and unable to process what they are awakening to.

As adults, it’s important to look for the good, to appreciate the beautiful, delightful, peaceful moments, to breathe deeply, to have gratitude, and to keep perspective.  Being grounded in our own lives and can go a long way toward teaching our kids ways to cope and thrive throughout this transition and beyond.

If you know anyone who could use some help with this or other transitions, please contact me. I’d love to see if I could help you out.